THE MIDDLE GROUND

Nasser Lalljee

WHETHER we realise it or not, mediation has been going on in your own life from childhood. Whenever one of your parents got angry with you, the other parent intervened and in all probability saved you from a thrashing.

Mediation is a voluntary dispute-solving process, in which a neutral third, person (a

"Mediator") meets with the parties, assisting them to reach a settlement of their dispute. It is task oriented, with a goal of reaching an agreement.

All involved parties are concerned about how ling mediation process will take. The time it takes to reach an agreement depends entirely on how long it will take you to reach what you perceive to be your fairest and most constructive agreement possible. This agreement could be reached in a very short time in certain situations where the mediating parties are already at a very high level of agreement, and are able to specifically describe that agreement. In situations where there are number of unclear issues (either disputed issues or issues that have not been well considered), the mediation will take a bit longer.

As many as 80 per cent of mediating parties reach a comprehensive solution, with at least half of the remaining 20 per cent reaching at least some significant substantive solution (eg, parenting arrangements or financial, but not both).

In case of failure in the event of no agreement being reached in mediation, other settlement options can be explored. Even unsuccessful mediating parties often seem to obtain substantial benefit from having had the opportunity to fully communicate and by having given it their best effort prior to recognizing that attorney negotiation or litigation may be inevitable. To get best results perhaps the most important thing any mediating party can do to ensure a satisfying and successful mediation experience, is to prepare for the mediation discussions by seeking clarity as to individual desired outcomes and perceived standards of fairness.

Being able to listen to the other party's point of view, even when you don't agree with it, will allow you to develop options that meet both of your needs.

It is in the ability to see the whole picture from both perspectives that a mutually satisfying agreement will arise. You should indicate at the onset what would happen in the session, and establish basic ground rules in the sense that both parties will be given enough time to talk uninterrupted, leave their anger aside and any other such rules that may appear necessary.

Clarify your own role as a mediator, that you are not the judge nor are you going to judge the situation.

You are simply here to help the concerned parties to work out their problems and try to bring about a successful reconciliation. Not right or wrong, guilt or innocence. The

Mediating process is an exchange process, where both parties exchange promises about the future, in order to resolve a dispute row.

You should also check signals with your co mediator in anticipating any specific difficulties, etc. The most important opening statement is the fact that the entire discussion is confidential. The mediator has to be a very perceptive person who is able to see the actual problem rather than the presented problem. He should also have listening skills to the degree).

The choice of a, mediator; co-mediation with an attorney; mediator and psychologist; mediators working together is left to the concerned parties.

In case of divorce, many couples prefer the balance of a male and female mediator. The added insights of these trained mediators, with legal and mental health backgrounds, help the process tremendously.

The greater understanding of dynamics that a therapist-mediator brings to divorce mediation is very useful in overcoming blockages in the process.

When custody issues exist, the input of the psychologist-mediator helps regarding children's reactions to divorce and the potential impact of various custody arrangements on children. The balance of a male and female mediator often makes each member of the couple feel more comfortable.